February 2011
Stress. Anxiety. Fear. Doubt. Pain. Depression. And much more. I’m feeling all of these things now, and I’m waiting for someone to come along and decide that its my turn to be happy.
January 2011
I hate you
I hate how you act clueless. I hate how you avoid it everytime I leave hints, subtle and obvious. I hate how you forget about me most of the time when we’re texting. I hate how you act like we’re best friends one day and then nothing the next. I hate how I never come first. I hate how even through all of that, you are the only one that makes me feel like I’m worth something. I...
Today I’m finding stress to be way too much to handle. And in the middle of it, you started talking to me. And it did help, a lot. But now that the stress has died down, I want to talk to you even more, and of course you’ve stopped texting me back. But see, there is so much going on in my head and in my heart and I would love to talk to you about it. But once again, our conversation...
The Trees
I wrote this about a month ago and finally remembered to put it on here now :)
Looking out the window I found this-
Many trees, standing tall and strong, bearing the horrible weight of the fresh, unforgiving snow on their backs and shoulders. Some were taller than others. Some were curving forward from the pressure. They were trying their best to to stay strong and deal with whatever life threw...
Clearing my head.
I take walks to clear my head nearly everyday. Its the most relaxing thing in the world since I live in the middle of nowhere and the roads are surrounded by the most beautiful forests. It is the one thing that’s calms me down and gives me a sense of peace. But now, it’s the middle of winter an a state known for being cold and snowy. So where am I suppose to find that serenity that I...
Me & You
I wish we would talk more. I wish we would hang out more. I wish you cared more. It started out great, and went downhill. Now we’re becoming distant and it makes me lost. I need you to be there for me. I wish you would text me first or call me like you used to. But now it’s as if I’m putting forth so much more effort than you. And its quite tiring. I miss you but I doubt you ever...
“You left a stain, on every one of my good days. But I am stronger than you know.”
– Disease by Matchbox Twenty
I feel quite insignificant.
I feel quite insignificant
Just another leaf Freshly fallen
Trying to find the right path of the wind.
I feel quite insignificant
Just another drop of rain
Carefully dropping Into this collection pool called Earth.
I feel quite insignificant
Just another light in the sky
Pretending to be special
Becoming jealous of that one star standing out.
I feel quite insignificant Just another...
My hero
You’re my hero.
Not because you changed the world.
You didn’t solve any major crisis.
You didn’t save a hundred lives.
But you changed my world.
You helped me solve all of my personal crisises.
And you’ve saved my one life, probably a hundred times.
You are such an amazing and beautiful person.
Please don’t forget that.
I'm not blind.
I see your stares.
I see your judgemental eyes.
I see you making a comment.
I see you laughing.
I see how you want me to hurt.
I see how you get a sick joy out of it.
Well, fuck you.
You always get me.
With your hugs. With your smiles. With your laugh.
With your texts. Your optimism. Your hope. You always pull me back in as soon as I think I’m out. And I can’t do it anymore. So I’m giving up. I’m not caring anymore. I’m not overthinking. I’m just letting whatever happens, happen. I already know that what I want to happen, never ever will. It’s a fact...
“The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay, cuz I know I’m...”
– Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade
Scene 22 (10 p.m.)
My life is just a play.
I’m playing the part everyone wants to see.
And I’m a damn good actress.
Each day’s another Act,
Each hour a new scene.
My dialogue is all scripted,
I hold back what I really want to say.
I go through the motions,
Following the rules of the director,
Never acting spontaneous or being myself.
I would ask how I got to this point,
But...
Silence
I love the silence. It whispers forgotten stories as I listen carefully. It reminds me of the past while telling me tales of future possibilities. It’s light and refreshing after a day of confusion and problems. It encourages me to pursue my passions and live out my dreams. It’s the only time I find serenity. I only wish that I found this silence more often.
Confusion
These thoughts are all colliding in my head
Battling to get their share of attention
Daring to impose a unique emotion
Just to add to the jumbled mess in my heart.
They’re making me so sick
Physically and mentally.
They’re knives, stabbing me repeatedly
Each thought bringing forth a fresh wound.
And I’m so lost,
My heart bleeding out a new secret every second.
...
Confusion
These thoughts are all colliding in my head
Battling to get their share of attention
Daring to iimpose a unique emotion
Just to add to the jumbled mess in my heart.
They’re making me sick
Physically and mentally.
They’re knives, stabbbing me repeatedly
Each thought bringing forth a fresh wound.
And I’m so lost,
My heart bleeding out a new secret every second.
My eyes are losing...
I wish my life was written by Nicholas Sparks.
Edgar Allan Poe
More often than not, when someone thinks of Poe they think of how creepy his writting is. I, too, saw him and his writing this way, until today. I was reading his short story, “The Fall of the House of Usher” when I realized how truly genius Poe’s writing is. His descriptions are so incredibly detailed that it puts you in his position. It’s as if you’re right there,...
I wonder...
What would you do if I called you crying, right now, at 11:30 pm? Would you even answer? Would you see my name and hit ignore? Or would you actually care enough to answer? I’m tempted to find out. I doubt I ever will though. But I think I already know the answer…
You are beautiful.
Never forget that. And never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Music
My dad leaves, i’m home alone. The first thing i do? Grab my ipod and sing as loud as i can. I put on that song that i’ve been dying to belt and i let it all out, not caring how terrible i sound. After a while i just let my heart sing. No more ipod, no lyrics to go by, just the song that is inside my heart. And i just let go. Let go of the stress, the pain, the depression,...
They think...
They think I’m so strong. They think I can handle anything. They think I’m just superwoman, dealing with the shit I get from everyone. They think none of it affects me. Well guess what? I can’t. And it does. And its becoming too unbearable. I wonder what its going to take for them to finally realize it.
I wonder how you would act if you knew the real reason why. I wonder if you’d care any more. If you’d see past my fake smiles. I wonder if you would do a lot more so I wouldn’t have to go there. I wonder if you would just shrug it off. I can’t just get mad at you for not being there for me if I never told you the whole truth. But then again, you never cared enough to ask.
“The sad part isn’t that I keep falling for you; the sad part is that...”
– Me
As I’m watching the biggest loser, I find myself having the same thought quite often. I think, “that person is so beautiful”. Most people have the perspective that because a person is obese, or even just slightly overweight, they are hideous. They don’t see or even care enough to try to see the person behind the weight. Well I see the heart and soul these people put into...
“The sad part isn’t that I fell for you; the sad part is that you’re...”
– Me
Dam of Secrets
These words pour from my mouth and I’m unable to stop. You’ve broken the dam that has held in all of my secrets for so long and now they’re flowing freely. They had built up behind that wall, gathering tension and strength. All I needed was one person to care. One person to make me feel like it’s not pointless complaining. One person to give some validity to my problems....
Hi, I’m amanda and I feel completely pathetic for falling for you. You don’t have a clue but you keep making it happen. I think I’m okay, and all of a sudden there you go being your amazing self and I can’t help it. I would greatly appriciate it if you would turn back into a frog. Okay, Mr. Perfect? Thanks.
Love, me
I close my eyes and picture your beautiful, sympathetic, encouraging eyes staring into mine with a genuine interest that I find hard to believe. We’re sitting across from each other, but within a foot or two as if were trying to keep our conversation a secret. There’s not a soul in view.
I confess to you my past, which I’ve wanted to do for the longest time. You weren’t expecting this, and...
For as long as i can remember, ive been wanting to die. I’m still waiting for you to give me a reason to live
Smiley faces
I get a text with a “:)” in it and i immediately picture that huge, contagious grin that you get, lighting up your eyes, with that laughter that can put anyone in a better mood. I get that text, and i feel a soft, genuinely happy type of smile form from my lips. One second i’m about to cry, but then i get a text like that, and suddenly my pain disperses for a few moments....
your words
You babble on in our nervous conversation. The words spiill from your mouth like an avalanche down a steep mountain. They gain speed as you run out of things to say, going off on another pointless tangent just to waste a few more minutes. The words start to thicken as your nerves get the best of you. You realize what you’re doing and you start to choke. You choke on those pointless words of...
did you know?
Did you know that you keep saving my life? That you’ve helped me so much more than you could imagine? That you letting me vent about my problems, no matter how dumb they are, makes me feel so much better? Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for picking me up off the ground when everyone else ignored it and walked away. Thank you for talking to me when I...
Just one more hit.
One more taste.
One more reason to return
One more look to behold.
One more feeling to regret.
You’re my drug of choice, and I’m getting quite addicted.
The Cascade
The cadence of your voice is a gentle waterfall
creating a beautiful melody for those surrounding.
It flows to the careful beating of your heart
as the waves synchronize with the beating of mine.
The smooth and scattered pebbles create unique pathways
for the lost and broken souls such as my own.
The sympathetic arrangement of your thoughts speaks now
even before a complete question has...
The stars grow dim when they look down on me and you
This ill-fated love is breaking my heart into two
I’m torn between the truth and what I imagine
But a broken heart, these days, seems to be the latest fashion
Because of guys like you and their hurtful ways
We’re abandoned and hopeless, like a couple strays
We search for a home, longing for love
While those dimming stars grow...
she will be loved by maroon 5
Why do all the songs I love make me want to cry?
you dont have a clue
I love how you don’t even know me. I’ve known you for at least 5 years and you still don’t have a clue who I am. You just stereotype me with every other teenage girl because you don’t care enough to give a real effort to see who I am. Presents are all about the thought, right? Well, I can see how much thought you truly put into it. If you knew me, you would know that I...